Muse I

There are those few minutes each morning, when I lie in bed, somewhere in the twilight between sleeping and waking. I think of you in those moments, feeling your body warm against my back. You’re there, I know you aren’t really, but if I keep my eyes closed for longer, you will remain. But always the realist, I know you aren’t, and I know I have to get out of bed and face reality.

I keep asking myself how I got here and suppose it must have been one of those days when I felt you had rejected me yet again. A person gets tired of being rejected, and so I felt that I had to have a plan B to get on with. One that would prevent me from falling apart and making a fool of myself. It’s always easier having a plan, it makes you look like you have a mission in life and people don’t have to feel sorry for you again.

So this was my mission, to come to the UK and make some money and get my passport. And that’s what I’m going to try and do, well I can’t just try, I’ve done that before, this is my last chance, I have to do it this time. If I can have a twilight moment every morning and feel you behind me, I might make it. Once, I was your muse and then you were no longer amused and I suppose now, you have become mine. A muse that I can’t do without.

So for the next two weeks, this is where I will be staying. A beautiful little farm cottage out in the country, in Oxfordshire. Its called Kitesbridge Farm in Asthall. It would be wonderful to find a job out here, but jobs are scarce out this way, so it could only be a dream.

On about the third day here, I woke up to find the entire countryside covered in a fine sprinkling of frost. It looked so beautiful, like a scene from a Christmas tale. I just wanted to share it with you, but alas, you were nowhere about.

Next Saturday I will be going to stay with Samantha and family in Bishops green in Hampshire. It should be a lot easier to find a job there as the town center isn’t so far away and it’s at least on the bus route, I’m assuming.

I have to keep telling myself that things are going to work this time. Over and over I tell myself, but most of all I try not to think about the alternative, because I know that once I allow any negative feelings to settle over me, the sadness will sweep through me like so many times before. Then the feelings of utter hopelessness and desperation will set in and then I’m doomed. It’s a daily grind, staying positive, but I must. The only way to do this, is to talk to you, my muse. So I do a lot of talking, mostly in my head and my heart, but often like this, on paper.

There are so many couple jobs advertised and I thought that if we could do something like that for a couple of years, we could save so much money and eventually use that money to achieve something and set ourselves up somewhere nice. It’s just a thought, and I know it takes you a long time to think things through, so maybe one day when you’re feeling lonely and blue, with nothing else to do, give it a thought.

There doesn't seem to be too much spare time at the moment to paint, but that is what I am longing to do. Painting somehow eases things and takes away negative feelings, much like writing. But I don't need to tell you that, you already know. My paints and brushes are tucked away snuggly in my suitcase, just waiting for me. I have a brand new book of canvas sheets and so much beauty around me to try and capture.

Something about this little scene captures my imagination.

I don't want to ever stop loving you. I don't know how you feel about that, but I remember we made a commitment to each other and I intend to stand by that. I know time and circumstances are changing, like the seasons, but I hope our season hasn't ended yet. I worry often that maybe I came to the UK prematurely and that I should have waited an extra two years, but realistically speaking, I would have been two years older and therefore more difficult to find employment. I want to get a head start to getting some money put aside for later on in life when we are both just too tired to work and want to enjoy some “us” time. We haven't really had any of that yet and I yearn so much for it. I'm always going outside at night and looking at the stars and wondering what the stars have in store for us, don't you ever wonder that or do you just go with the tides?

Its funny how we seemed to have lost or way, and yet now with distance and time separating us more each day, I read your tweets and feel that we are finding our way back. Its a strange thought, but that's just how I feel. I'm sitting here miles away from you but feel closer than I did a month ago when I said good bye at the bus stop in the dark Margate street.

Faith is the substance of things HOPED for, the evidence of things UNSEEN

Same year, a few days later -

“I'm not quite lost and / I'm not quite found but I know / there is more than this” - MyHaikuProject

I keep telling myself – don't go wasting your emotions.

New Years Eve and I'm wishing for you all the happiness and love that the universe holds. If it were mine to give, I would give it all to you.

Smokey clouds in a frosty pink sky – so many memories sailing by.

3 Jan 2013

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” - Mother Teresa