Journey Through The Years
1959
23 Oct
I was born in Johannesburg general Hospital sometime just after 5pm, so I hear. I am named Carol. Youngest daughter of Audrey Anne Bashford (no longer married to Bashford, formerly Andrews, born Blake), father – unknown. I am told his name is/was Roy van Aswegen? Never met him, so can't confirm.
LIFE SUCKS
When you born you cry
Then you try
Then you die
When you born you cry
You live a lie
Then you die
When you born you cry
You sigh
You ask the reason why
Then you die
1960
1961
Den and I get adopted by Harold Crombie. The best Dad ever.
1962
1963
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| Cally, Andy & Denny (& dollies) |
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| Sardine Fever at Marina Beach Denny, Andy, Mom & me |
1965
Started Class 1 at Margate junior school. I cried on my first day, but was told to try and not use my new hanky unless I absolutely had to.
1966
Class 2
1967
Std 1
1968
Std 2
1969
Std 3
1970
Std 4 (first year)
1971
Std 4 (second time lucky!) Came first in class.
Started a little rebellious patch in my life. Tried smoking, had my left ear pierced – not the right, trying to make a statement.
1972
Std 5 Port Shepstone Junior School (Boarding School)
Mom went on a cruise to the Cape.
1973
Std 6 Port Shepstone High School
7 April
Mom died, we didn't cry? Den told the Headmaster that we didn't want to attend the funeral, then she thought we better, and the Headmaster got annoyed with us, but he let us have time off school to go. Big of him! Neil arrived at the funeral in handcuffs, escorted by two plain clothed cops. But at least he came.
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| Brother Neil |
1974
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| Standard 7 |
1975
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| Trafalgar Beach 1975 |
Std 8
1976
16 Sept
Std 9
Dad died, we didn't cry? We went to the funeral at the Christian Science Reading Room, their pathetic name for a “church”. They believe that we are all made up of “matter” and “matter has no sensation” ie. No pain, feelings blah blah blah and so at his service, they didn't even mention his name, suppose he was just a pile of matter in a wooden box, so not worthy of mention.
What a bunch of fools! What bothers me a lot is the fact that Dad was such an intelligent man, and yet he let them bulldoze him into this mindless crap.
Andy and I went to live with Cyril and Judy down the road from Castle Crombie.
1977
Matric - I passed
1978
My room-mate at College – Carey Neal
Durban college, didn't do very well. Crap year, hate the city, hate the smell of it, fell pregnant, had an abortion. Feel like running away and dying.
1979
Started work at Kent & Kent Attorneys in Margate. I earned R200.00 per month!!
16 June - 5.30 pm
Married Michael Dely at the Margate Methodist Church.
We went to live in Durban. I hate Durban!
1980
25 April
Samantha born at Addington Hospital, just after lunch time. She weighs 3,5 kgs. Beautiful little baby girl, with strawberry blonde hair. My Autumn Blessing. Apparently the same colour hair as my real dad. I wouldn't know I never met him.
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| Manth & Uncle Kevin |
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| Manth & I |
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| Manth & Pops |
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| Pregnant with Manth |
1981
1982
1983
Divorced Michael. Poor Michael, he was broken hearted and couldn't understand why. Don't think he ever stopped loving me. He really is such a lovely man. I don't understand me either.
1984
The wayward years! Or years of discovering
1985
29 June
Travors Blake born around 6am at Paardekraal hospital. Such a wrinkly little boy, weighed 3.3 kgs. Such a good baby. Not much hair, but will be blonde.
17 July
Married Francis Walter Gey van Pittius at the Randburg Magistrate's Court. Wedding day was a shit day. Although Neville & Dawn did buy us an ice cream wedding cake. Had such a big fight and threatened to take Trav away when we got back after the wedding formalities. What can I say?? 9 and ¾ more years of a tumultuous love/hate marriage awaited me.
1987
28 April
Ashleigh Frances is born during the mid-morning. The fattest sleepiest baby you ever saw. Such chubby cheek and eventually when she opened them, the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. As it turned out, she had a lot more sleeping to do, as she developed narcolepsy in her teen years, and has been dozing on and off for years :)
1988
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| Trav |
REMEMBER
Why is it that when I'm all alone on a rainy day
I am overcome by a feeling of sadness and things gone by.
Loving smiles and happy laughter
Warm touches and my mothers eyes
Kind words and family meals
And the reassuring presence of my old Dad.
When I'm feeling down, I close my eyes
And I can see them all.
The baby boy with white hair and eyes of bright blue,
And a golden girl with long flaxen hair
Dimpled cheeks and puppy-dog eyes.
Down the passage I hear laughter,
It must be the boys.
How different they are.
One tall and slim, his aloofness setting him apart,
And there is the eldest, with warm eyes and a heart of gold.
They say he can do anything that he puts his mind to.
And if I look into the far corner, I'll see the lost boy
He's far away in a world of his own.
And when I listen very carefully,
I can hear a page turn,
That's my Dad reading his book in his cosy old chair.
And there is my mother in the kitchen,
Singing as she prepares the family's evening meal.
And there I am, I'm not very big really.
As I wonder around the house, I'm so happy.
I wish this day would never end.
And on a rainy day like today
When the raindrops run slowly down the windowpane,
And I'm feeling sad;
I close my eyes and there they all are,
And then I know this day will always be.
10/9/1990
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| Frank playing with all the kids - Hilton |
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| Ash and her sick Daddy |
1995, 5 April – Frank died.
Mama, take these bandages off of me
I don’t need them anymore
It’s getting dark, and the pain has gone away
Feel like I'm knocking on heavens door
Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door
Mama, put my morphine in the ground
I don’t need it anymore
That chariot of fire is coming down
To take me to heavens door
Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door
I see You, Mr Jesus
and I know you’re here for me
You’ve arrived dead on time
To set my spirit free
Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door
Youth Remembered
What it was to be young
To feel that first warm glow of love
The first longing in your soul.
How it felt to be young and restless
The yearning to be free
And out of control.
Do you remember that first touch?
Hot and uncertain,
Floundering in passion?
There was always a longing,
Between your body and mine,
Like a thirst crying to be quenched.
How we clung together wildly
In the springtime of our youth
Wanting, always needing
To be free and out of control.
1995
2000
17/10/2000
For Luigi
How do I love thee, let me count the ways.
I love sitting for hours listening to your stories, watching the excitement on your face as you re-live the incident all over again. I love the way you love music and the deep rich tones of your voice as you sing along to amuse and impress me. I love the feel of your arms around me as I lie with my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat.
I love the gentle warmth in your eyes as you hold me and make love to me. I love also, the mischievous twinkle in your green eyes when you play jokes on me and wait for my reaction. I love the look on your face when you pay me a surprise visit.
I love you when you've been working hard and your bare chest is covered in a sheen of perspiration and you look so strong and healthy I love the feel of my cheek on your soft warm belly. I love the way your body responds to the touch of my hands and I love the way you open me up with y our love, deep and penetrating, touching the very essence of me, giving me such joy and release.
I love the way you show me your hidden frailty and fears that are concealed from the world. I love the way you conquer my fears and lift my spirits when I'm down. I love the way you command respect from all those around you, the big and the small and also I love the way you show me compassion and respect. But most of all, I love the way you love me.
2001
01/06/21
Went to see Nico Snyman for some counseling. Write three pages he said.
Well that's easier said than done. Easy for him, he has had an interesting life, been so many places, done so many things. He is a man of many talents, a man who grabs opportunities when he sees them and dares to be different, dares to challenge.
What's gong on in my head right now – five spades, four picks, one shovel and one rake – don't forget, you're in charge. The boss gave you the keys, you're responsible, “don't let the damn niggers nick the stuff”, he said. “Cant trust the bastards!”. Count all the tools as they take the out the storeroom, - five spades, four picks, one shovel and one rake, the nigger counts them out for me as he loads them onto the truck – five spades, four picks, one shovel and one rake. Right got it!
Don't think I'll forget, probably have that going round in my head all night tonight as I lie in my bed trying to sleep. Lots of things going round in my head, round and round. Ever seen a hamster on a tread mill? Round and round and round and round they go, bloody pathetic actually, what type of existence is that for a bloody hamster? They should be running out in the long grass in the veld, who was the fool that ever thought of putting the ft little monsters in a cage?
They keep putting animals in cages, what for? Did God make creatures to keep in cages, He's so all knowing, all seeing, marvelous fellow really, with all his excellent planning wouldn't he have invented them with cages already strapped around their bodies when they arrive? Its like us humans with out clothing, designer wear. The kid next door thinks she was born with a mini skirt on, probably was, except it was longer then, and now shes grown so tall, the skirt just covers her arse. One would think my son was born in his long black trousers, don't think he ever takes them off, when when he baths. They look as old as the wise old men from the East. All wrinkled and shabby and torn, but still large and baggy. Maybe he was a big baby and they fitted him properly then and now he's shrinking and so they drag in the mud. Yeah, I reckon he was born with them, they look real old.
Quite handy really, being born with clothes on. No need to go shopping on your first day home. Just arrive in a pair of Nike's and away you go, look so cool on arrival. First impressions count my Mom would always tell me, she obviously knew the story.
O wonder where Mr x is this morning, said he was going to the coolie dentist, if the arsehole didn't fix his tooth properly this time, he would wish he was back in India. Yeah, sounds like Mr X all right, don't take no shit from nobody, especially not a coolie.
Oh well, here he is now, I hear his car pulling up. It's not the coolie's fault after all, tooth rotting spontaneously, like spontaneous combustion I guess. Pain killers, antibiotics and something else, psychedelic capsules – ought to do the trick.
Tells me the wife is going away in a while for a while. Needs to clear her head and sort out her life. Two weeks of bliss for us I hope. Told me yesterday that within three months things at home will be sorted out, no point in hanging on to the house or life style anymore if they are both miserable. Says they will split it down the middle. Wait and see, wait and see, don't get excited, keep emotions in check. They say all good things come to those who wait. Every dog has his day. There is a season for everything. But absence also makes the heart grow fonder and out of sight out of mind. So many things to say, so many things not to say. Some things are better left unsaid, but too many unsaid things can become a burden. Wait and see, wait and see.
Do I sound like a stuck record? Probably. Round and round the hamster wheel we go – YIHA! As my friend Sam always says.
Things in my life always seem to go round and round. Maybe that's why I've been called Carousel on a couple of occasions. The wheel is in the rut again, digging the groove deeper. Round and round baby, off we go. Time to get on the road again with Willy Nelson.
Nico asked me “What is it that you are pretending you don't know?” what a bloody fool question to ask. Deep, searching, round the mill we go looking for the answer. There are more questions, than answers, and the more I find out the less I know, the more I find out, the less I know.
My Dad was always full of questions, questions, questions for me. And every time he asked, I would sing him that song. Put a smile on his face. He had a good smile, my Dad, and always generous with it. Whenever I hear the bagpipes, I think of him and I always get tears in my eyes. He was such a soft gentle man, never hurt a soul his whole life.
Whenever the mist comes rising out of the pine trees and the air is still, I can almost hear the call of the bagpipes drifting down the hill, through the misty trees, and into our valley. Then I can see my ol' Dad smile again. Reminded him of home, bonny Scotland, Scotland the Brave!
So what am I pretending I don't know? Well there is one thing I know for certain that springs to mind without any prodding. When I see Thelma (Sam) hurting, and I know it because of me, I pretend I don't see her hurt so that I don't have to deal with it. We've covered this ground before so many times and the subject is closed now, it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with it or face it again. So I pretend there is no hurt and all is well. Is that so bad?
Sometimes I pretend that I don't know that somebody is cross or in a bad mood, because I want them to deal with it. I don't want their bad mood to affect me, so I pretend it isn't there. I talk it out of existence ever notice how much I talk when I'm feeling uncomfortable, like a chipmunk overdosed on speed.
I pretend my kids aren't indulging in bad behavior sometimes when I'm too tired to deal with it. I pretend I cant hear swearing sometimes when I find it offensive. I probably shouldn't be pretending, I should be saying “my, but you've got a filthy mouth”.
I feel a spot of happiness coming on. Might need to open a bottle of champagne, but it frightens me too, don't want to get excited for nothing and then hit the deck later. Wait and see, says the little spinning wheels, don't count your hamsters before they hatch.
Like we were saying yesterday, I think my life can be called one of postponement. The Postponed Life of Cally G! Sounds like a good title for a story, wonder if I should give it a bash. Reminds me of that story I wrote back in 1991 I think? It was called The Listener. Going through life always listening, waiting for a chance to speak, waiting for someone else to listen for a change. Always waiting on the side lines for an invitation. Enough waiting, time to make things happen. Go to it. We're masers of our own destiny they say. Are we?
CALLY'S CHILDREN
The children of the wind
Bending this way and that
Seemingly so resilient in the storms of life.
Yet what scars lie hidden in the heart,
Just waiting to take root
And firmly entwine themselves
In the beautiful young souls.
As the cold front of winter
Forms on the drying grass
And the mist rises and swirls
And covers their world in gloom.
That's the time I fear the most
For the damage will start to rise
And like the swirling mist,
It will block out their sunshine.
21/6/2001
28 June
Did a static line parachute jump. Was that a death defying trick to see if death would come or life would continue? Yes, I think it was, in fact I knew it right from the beginning, but that was just a side issue, it wasn't the whole deal. Another factor was to try and confront the fear of heights and see if it could be tamed – no it wasn't – it was horrific. Don't do it again. What are the odds that it will turn out all right next time? Every time you jump you lower the odds. I've been testing God for a long time now, if you want me here, then give me someone to e with who loves me, if that isn't going to happen, then get me the hell out of here. You surely don't want me here on my own? Its the big test, its up to Him, if life is to continue then give me something worthwhile to continue with. Don't see the purpose and you don't seem to be interested, so here's your chance to make a decision without losing face. It was up to you. That was your choice. Maybe the reason I say I would do it again, is to give you a second chance to take me, in case you weren't watching properly the first time. Give you a second chance to beam me up.
01/07/01
Sunday
when I say I'm homesick, I don't mean I want to go home. I don't have a home to go to anymore.
“But I am sick in my soul for that greater meaning of home that we understand most purely when we are children, when it is a metaphor for all possible feelings of security, of safety, of what is predictable, gentle and good in life”. (One True thing by Anna Quindlen)
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WASHING WINDOWS
I watch silently
The raindrops trickling
Down the windows of my soul.
The images reflected are distorted by time
The pain has softened
And the anguish seems less.
Happiness and joy flow freely
And yet the laughter has a ragged edge
More angular and jarring than I recall.
They say time heals all and tears wash the soul
So let the rain pour down
And sweep your window clean.
For when the sun rises
And brings its warm glow
You can stand up and face many a foe,
With a twinkle in your eye and a deep throaty laugh.
4/7/2001
29/7/2001
The moon has made a pathway right across my bed.
Aug 2001
I remember when we were little, sometimes my Mom would hide sweets under our pillows. It would be such a wonderful surprise when we went to bed at night. Sometimes it even kept the nightmares away. Even now,I occasionally look under my pillow – half expecting to find a sweetie, but it ain't there, and nor is Mom!
THOUGHTS AT NIGHT
When you lie in bed at night
And gaze at the stars above
Do you ever think of me?
Ever think of all my love?
When you lie and watch the moon
Trace a pathway across the sky
Do you ever think of me?
And know how hard I try?
Do you wonder if the moon
That watches over you
Is spreading his bright, far reaching light
And watching over me too?
When you lie in your bed
And smile at a joke we shared today
Do you ever ask God to bless me?
And keep me safe along my way?
Sept 2001
17/9/01
I need the kind of holiday that you’re on right now.
My day started all right, but as the day wore on, the more desperate I felt to be at the beach. I want to be there now, I cant wait any more! I want to wake up at 4 in the morning and make a flask of coffee and go and walk on the beach and sit and watch the sun come up and smile at me. Damn!
18/9/2001
softly, as in a morning sunrise, he came to me. Walking across the room, his arms open wide to take me into his embrace.
20/9/2001 8.30 pm
The farm lands on the far side of the game park are on fire and the night sky is orange and red with a duplicate reflected in the water. There is also a tiny sliver of moon lying on its back, low in the sky just above the hills – what a magnificent contrast.
4/10
John Steinbeck says it perfectly - “There are times when the love for people is strong and warm like a sorrow.” “There are times when the people and the hills and the earth, all everything except the stars, are one, and the love of them all is strong like a sadness.”
I have nothing so I have nothing to lose, by loving you.
It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all, for it is in the giving that we receive.
I love you so much that I long to become one with you, to have you inside me, and me inside you. To breath when you breath and for our hearts to beat in unison. I have so much love for you that it fills me with a tender sadness, a strong, and warm sorrow. I wish I had the words and courage to tell you this so that you may never feel alone or fear that you are not loved.
My love for you is like a flame. So strong and warm and comforting. Have you ever watched a flame? It starts off small and grows. It burns with an intensity like lovers entwined.
…............
27/10/2001
Sometimes when you hold me I don’t want to move or speak, for fear, that in doing so, that moment will be lost forever.
I don’t want to leave this place where we have been for although you’re no longer here, your presence remains. But should I leave too, the magic will escape and then it will feel as though it has never been.
“I love to watch you sleep at night, to hear your breathing gently beside me and although sleep leaves me behind, there’s no place I’d rather be”.
28/10
Got no money, got bills to pay, but you make me feel better with the things you say,
and although you’re gone, I know you’re near and there is nothing I need fear.
Even if my world should crumble, and all the walls around me tumble …..
“I just want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life. Just to see your smile is having the best day of my life”. “Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far”.
When my work is done and the night is still
I lay down and close my eyes, for then I can be with you, then I can share your world.
In my dream I see us walking for hours along the shore, we sometimes stop to laugh and caress and maybe pick up a shell or two.
We sit and watch the sun as slowly it begins to rise. It begins its path from the depths of the sea and then up far into the skies.
This is the world to which I belong, this is your world, for which I long. If the darkness lasts and I keep my eyes closed, I can be with you always.
10 Nov 2001
I just want someone to say good night to!
2/12/2001
I saw you at the golf club today and we sat down for a while together. All I longed to do was take you in my arms and hold you and love you, but we couldn’t do that.
And now its night time and all the stars are shining and its time for bed, and all I want is to say goodnight to you.
FALLING STARS
Each star is suspended by a silver thread,
Out across the dark sky they've all been spread.
They shimmer in the moonlight and dangle in the breeze,
They glisten when the rain falls and sway with graceful ease.
What would we do, if one night a star should fall?
And rain down gold upon us all?
We could make a wish upon the wonders of the sky,
That our lives be filled with mirth and love won't pass us by.
Dec 2001
NIGHT WATCH
I lie awake like a wide-eyed owl
And all about me the night does prowl.
I can't get to sleep and the night is so long
And my desire for morning is ever so strong.
As usual I lie awake and ponder
The love of my life who lives down yonder.
His love is so strong and his eyes so warm
And I love to see his face in the dawn.
If he were here beside me now
I'd be contentedly snoring like a happy old cow.
But alas I'm alone through this long dreary night
And so I continue my solitary flight.
To beat the darkness at his own game,
For the sleep that I lose I shall never regain.
13/02/2002
16 February 2002
Samantha and Rowan married at Midmar Nature Reserve and the reception was held at the Thurlow Guest Lodge.
Samantha and Rowan married at Midmar Nature Reserve and the reception was held at the Thurlow Guest Lodge.
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| Mr & Mrs Rowan Raw |
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| Beautiful bride |
23 March 2002
Your love is like poetry in my heart, inspiring me to breathe deeply and embrace all of life.
4 June 02
It felt like you were the one? I say “were” because I cant see into the future and I cant see around the corner on the pathway. So I'm writing this as if it were 20 years hence.
You were the only one that made my heart soar,t hat breathed life into my lungs, you were the one who made me wake up in the morning and take a few more steps. Before you came my walk was nearing the end, and when you leave me it will stop. You wouldn’t believe that the love of one can will another to live, to strive for each new day and the little surprises they bring.
When you’re with me I can reach up and touch the sun and feel its warmth on my face.
So many times I’ve wanted to leave this place, but the promise of the morning has urged me on again. To see your smile on each new day, to touch your cheek and feel your arms around me.
I put my head on your bare chest and hear your heart beating within, and gently stroke your soft warm belly, and the nightmares of before are gone.
but at night when you go to your home then I too must go to mine where the nightmares wait in the dark loneliness to greet me. They place in and out of my thoughts all night and over the long dreary weekends, wreaking havoc with my mind and my heart.
Then there are no arms to enfold me, no gentle voice loving me, there is nothing.
Perhaps there is tomorrow or even next week, but nobody can ever promise us that there will be a tomorrow. If there is, then know that I love you and I will be there, for without your love I am nothing.
If there is no tomorrow, then remember always that I have loved you, because you were the one.
23/7/02
Is it bad news or is it good news. Whenever someone says “you'll be better off if ….” that ALWAYS means bad news for me! Why do they think they know what would be good for me, who the hell are they?
1/10/02
A new chapter is to begin in our lives. We will be leaving for the UK to join Manth and Rowan as soon as we have all our documents together and everything else is sorted out.
My plan is to go for about two years and see Ash through school and get Trav settled into a job or get him to do some sort of training or schooling so that they can be independent and organized at the end of the two years and God willing I can come back and be with Louis who has promised me that he will wait for me because I am all he ever wants (looking back now as I write, what a joke that turned out to be) and I too feel that he is all I want. So now I have plenty to do and get all the paperwork sorted and start organizing things.
Fri 4 Oct 2002
Manth went for a scan today and she may lose the baby. Either they got the dates wrong or baby has stopped growing? We will know in 2 weeks.
My heart is breaking for her and Rowie, don’t know what to say that will help.
Try to keep positive – I went and bought some little shoes for our baby.
Two weeks later, the baby has died inside and has to be removed. Manth I am so sorry for you, for Rowan, for us all. A little life that was never meant to be, was only meant to bring you joy for such a short while an then deep sadness. If I could put your heart back together with my love I would do it.
27/10
Never again a visit in the morning.
Never again a kiss without warning.
The element of surprise has gone away and will only return many years from today.
For I must sail across the sea, and on arrival show a face of glee,
but in my heart are tears of sadness for my love and I are so far apart.
29/10/02
He gave me a ring today. But as I’ve learned, a ring without love and sincerity is just a circular piece of metal. Only give me a ring if it means as much to you as it means to me. Denny remind me to give you the ring when I find it because I know how much you love elephants.
7/12
What can I say? I am tired of the bullshit (so soon), gave him a gentle ultimatum, he obviously doesn’t think I’m worth it, will not run after me, will not beg, will not leave her, will not declare his undying love for me either. I’m just a fucking shag, and those are a dime a fucking doze. So who am I?
NOBODY!
So nobody gonna miss me either.
So goodbye superman, get more cryptonite and away you go, ready to conquer more universes and more shags.
Goodbye, don’t cry for me Argentina
UK 27 Jan 2003
First day in Perivale in the UK. We arrived at 6.55 am. Taxing in on the runway at Heathrow, looks just like Johannesburg International – big city, lots of cars, people and buildings. Don’t see many black people?
LG phoned shortly after we got to Manth & Rowans place, it was wonderful to hear his voice, I miss him so much.
Had lots of email from Graham waiting, such lovely words of love and loyalty? Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
Its not too cold here, feels like winter at Midmar.
Had a bath, everybody else is having an afternoon sleep. I feel so homesick here I don’t know what to do, everybody else cried yesterday, today is my turn it seems.
4/5/2003
Back home in Howick at last.
28/5/2003
I need spiritual awakening and leading in order to go forward. I have no clear direction, but if I continue in faith, the truth will surface. I need to get myself grounded first. I need to be willing to do whatever it takes to create a wholeness.
Started working for John Louw & Associates as a conveyancing secretary. Was quite scary at first, thought I would never manage, but it all worked out fine and it was the most exciting and challenging job I ever had.
Of course Louis is back harassing me again and promising to marry me and all the usual bullshit, why do I fall for it every time. Don t know what to do about Graham, he is such a wonderful man.
Lost a few years on the way worrying about bullshit! The memories will come back to me I know and then I will fill in the blanks. Ash went to Cape town and Trav eventually came back from the UK where I abandoned him, sorry Trav.
15/2/2005
Sparky my cat died today. The dogs on the farm killed him. He was my best friend in the whole world.
He came to the door to met me in the afternoons. He said goodnight to me every night and hello in the morning. He was some one I came home to every day and he loved me.
He didn't worry what the kids would think, or if the wind was blowing in a westerly direction, if the lights had been left on at home or whether his tools were safe.
He loved me unconditionally, and he loved Ashleigh too. And I will miss him.
28/2/2005
I told Louis it is all over for good this time. I have nothing to offer him, I have nothing he needs and I'm tired of waiting and getting nowhere and having to carry this pain around always.
Although he is legally divorced, its just a piece of paper to them. They have a bond that neither of them will break and I am powerless and insignificant against that bond. I'm really still just the other woman and in their minds I always will be.
I'm just the companion that he visits to while away the time between visits with his family. Nothing will ever change. The “package” that is ME and what I have to offer will never compare. I've been wasting my time and effort waiting for six and a half years for nothing!
3/7/2005
It's Sunday late afternoon and its raining and miserable. I'm missing home and the siblings. I've got a pain in the gut like I used to get when it was Sunday and we knew it was the trip back to boarding school in the morning. Why can't you all come back home to a time before Mom died and we all lived at home and we had a family and there was always someone to talk to?
I don't really want to be here anymore. There's nobody here that needs me, there's no love and warmth. I know Travis needs me, but he cant let go and express that and I don't think he knows what it is he needs from me and I don't think he knows how to accept the things that he needs either. I want to be a mom with all the kids at home, all living our separate lives, together. I also need a partner that will live with us altogether, but separately. I need someone that will love and accept and understand my children and grandchildren as his own. And let me accept his. Not someone who is so self-absorbed and self-sufficient that he needs no one but himself. I wonder what would he do if he had absolutely no one?
I need a home, a garden, a family, music, days on the beach with the kids, building sandcastles.
I need to see Andy again, I miss him and I want to get to know his family too.
I need to dance in the rain with my friend. Dance the rain dance, around the fire with Ash and Sam Watts. Smoke a joint and make love with a wonderful partner. The joint is not obligatory, but it would help to relax and let go once in a blue moon. I need a guitar and a cat called “Oscar”.
There are wants and needs, as my Dad used to say, and all these things are needs.
4/7/05
I need to be protected from that which I fear most – my deep, aching, longing to be loved, held and healed. Because it is a basic human reality that no matter how much we may be able to depend on others for support, we are all, in the end, alone! And there ain't no two ways about it.
I need a guitar and while we're at it, Ashleigh! Where is my guitar file??
“Inside my life the music plays new poetry in memory of you” - Andrea Botticelli
A terrible sadness came over me this afternoon. I realized yet again that all the things I so desperately want in life are the things that I will never have.
I'm going on and on about the same things, but obviously they mean a lot to me and are foremost in my mind.
I need a home of my own, with room enough for all my children to come “home” to, whenever they want or need. I need enough money to make this happen but I never seem to manage to save, because every time I put a bit of money away, somebody else needs it more than I and it goes and I am back to nothing.
I need my own garden to work in and space to grow trees for my grandchildren to climb and make tree houses. I need somebody of my own, a life companion, who will love me enough to want to share my life and space with me.
Someone who will welcome my family as his own, as I would his.
Also I need a guitar and someone to sing and dance with. I need some direction and I need to have a pension one day for when I'm old and alone, cos no matter how hard I work, no one lets me save my money. I don't want to die old and alone and poor with no roof over my head. It would be easier to die now so that I don't have to face all the loneliness later on.
26/9/2005
It's Beany's birthday today, she turned 22 Happy Birthday beany-Bop :) It's also kerrylou's birthday, shes 27 now and will soon be our boss.
Louis and I had such a nice evening and braai at Karen and Thomas last night. They are so hospitable and they have a lovely home. After he dropped me off at home, I sat and watched the rest of a movie with Trav. It was a Chinese terrorist type movie, lots of kung-fu and killing and action – quite interesting actually.
Then I got into bed and tried to get some sleep, but sleep would not be gotten without a fight.
I lay there thinking of the time when Louis moved in with Ash and I in our flat in Margate. We were so happy then, he would walk to work to meet me in the afternoons and then all the way home, we would look at the Estate Agent’s boards offering houses for sale. We found a lovely house in Munster for sale and were all so happy. He took Ash to have a look at it,and she really liked it and got so excited because it was so close to the beach. They discussed what colour she could paint her room etc. he was quite happy at that stage to have us as family. We talked about getting married and he said to start practicing how I would sign my new married name.
And then his divorce was finalised and he started to withdraw and changed his mind about getting married. I don’t really understand what was going through his mind, but overnight “our” house changed to “his” house and “our” lives became “his” life.
He decided that he would never get married again or have anybody living with him permanently and he feels the same about pets. He says he goes away too often at the moment to have a cat! Probably what he was trying to convey, was that he really only has time for us “pets” on the weekends and the rest of the time we have to stay away. Nothing will ever change, any woman in his life would always remain a weekend pet.
I on the other hand, would love to get another cat, but I cant while I’m living here in a flat. Perhaps I should seriously think about finding a better place to visit when I get back from visiting Manth next year. We'll see.
23/10/2005
Happy Birthday to me – I belong in the Zoo! Yeah I know it doesn’t rhyme, so who gives a shit?
Manth and Zacheroo phoned, my Grandson said “Happy Birthday Gogo”,he's so cute, I’m sure we are going to get on like a house on fire!
Ash sent me a couple of sms'sfrom Cape Town at 1:46 and :52 am, much appreciated, bet she's having a party on my behalf – good girl!
Cyril and Judy bought me some Turkish Delight, yay, Ash would be jealous haha and a yukky cake, yum NOT. I'm not ungrateful, however. Trav gave me a good hug. Well that’s the best birthday present I could have wished for. I wish he would open up though, he used to be such a loving, cuddly little fellow. Not too sure, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with Frank's death and the relationship they had.
Beany and KC phoned, methinks that Aunty Den put them up to it to try and compensate for the fact that Louis forgot. Shame on you, good on Aunty Den.
He's taking me out for supper tomorrow, feels bad that he forgot, but I’m not at all hurt or angry, just used to getting second best from life in general.
Trav and I are sharing a bottle of wine from my private collection, so I couldn’t have asked for better company on my birthday. Sitting sipping my wine, I wonder what happened to Sam Watts – good friend and drinking partner, and Graham Dell? Maybe they got married and ran away together. I miss them both.
3/5/2006
I heard this :- “a mother is only ever as happy as her unhappiest child” - makes you think doesn’t it? Trav why do you make me so sad? Why are you so sad?
29/6/2006
Happy 21st Trav, I hope you reach all your goals and harness your dreams and find much happiness and contentment – I love you.
I'm quite saddened that my two youngest children have a total disregard for family traditions and my wish to pass them on. There is a richness in passing a tradition down from generation to generation. Actually if the truth were told, no 21st tradition was ever passed down tome because there was nobody to do the passing. I just got a suitcase from Brother Michael. Maybe trying to tell me something. Anyway I have been denied this opportunity to pass something on to Trav. I wanted a lovely family dinner, somewhere really special, where we could reflect and enjoy some memories and I could say a little “speech” for Trav's coming of age.
But they didn’t give me a chance. In their haste to find a good drunken outing with friends, I was totally disregarded. All they needed was some food to stuff down their throats, a swig of grog to get them in the mood and finally a taxi to get them to their destination.
I'm also really saddened that Samantha is the only one, besides myself who bothered to phone or send a card. Thank you so much Manth. Where are the cousins, aunties and uncles and the famous Granny? Surely the coming of age of one's eldest grandson and first born grandchild is a big deal? I feel genuinely sore about it on behalf of Trav. If Frank had been here, he would have seen to it that she made the effort.
Is there actually anybody out there?
22/7/06
A line from Roy Orbison song - “I life my life, to be with you”. Imagine that, imagine loving and caring for someone so much that you can make a statement like that. Well I did once, and look where it got me – nowhere. Love is not a two-way street. Love is mostly a one way street, normally traveled alone! When did I become such a cynic?
13/8/06
In life we have really only got three choices,; to run, to spectate or to commit, what will your choice be? I seem to be doing all three at once.
200625 Aug
Sitting at Rocky ridge – the hippie hide-out in the hills, the one place I thought there would be vagabonds and gypsies, somewhere I thought I could just sit and be. Although they're mostly misfits, I still don't quite fit. I'm saddened by this thought. Is there really anywhere, or anybody that I do fit in with, a “space” where I'm “home”? A place where I fit or could just blend in and become one with the air, the trees and the wind. Close my eyes, feel the beat, let the music wash over me and through me, swirl through and around me – become one with eternity (?). Drums smashing, guitars strumming, close my eyes,put a bullet through my head.
24/12/06
11pm
What happened to Christmas, what happened to the joy, where are my two baby girls, and my little boy?
Where have all the presents gone and the aroma of a delicious roast, where are the twinkling lights and where is the sparkling tree, where are the laughing children and all the happy friends?
I don't hear champagne popping, or the party revelers bopping, I don't hear the carolers singing, or the garden gate swinging.
Its Christmas eve and all is quiet in the farmers cottage. There is no music except frogs and crickets and Trav has gone to bed.
I've run out of rhyme and its nearly time, for Santa to stop at the door. So I'll jump into bed and lay down my head
and say a prayer and ask a blessing for the children far away,
that I miss and love each day, to close their eyes and keep them safe,
cos Santa's on his way.
2007
Feb
Can't believe Edie Jasmine is already one years old. The time is flying and I'm missing out on so much.
Ash gone to the UK to seek her fame and fortune.
Moved into our new home on 30th march. Rufus born 10 March.
2008
Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid!
…...........
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
I'm sorry Sir
I thought you were a friend
you have a certain look
and a defiant tilt of the chin.
I'm sorry Sir
I thought you were my true love
you have a softness in your eyes
and a uniqueness in your smile.
I'm sorry Sir
I thought you were my betrothed
it was the strength in your embrace
and the gentleness of your kiss.
I'm sorry Sir
I don't think we've ever met
There is no warmth in your laughter
nor any love in your heart.
Good day Sir,
you'd best be on your way
It was a case of mistaken identity
and I bid you, Farewell.
28/7/08
….......
THE HILLS
The hills is always lonely
Yes they truly is;
Nobody ever visits them
Unless they're in a tizz.
People like to sit up high to contemplate their woes;
People build forts on them
To spy upon their foes.
But when they're feeling happy
And life seems a breeze;
People just ignore them
Like a lump of mouldy cheese.
So next time you go to the hills
To try and clear your head;
Remember what I told you,
Remember what I said.
For the hills is also lonely
And they need a friend like you;
So visit in all seasons
And make them happy, instead of blue.
2/08/2008
Inspired by Lillian Beckwith
...........
WATT'S UP?
Sitting at the keyboard with nothing to do
Who shall I write to, what about Pooh?
Her toes are long and her hair it is brown
And she always seems to have a permanent frown.
I rise up early and smell the coffee
But alas, she sticks to her bedclothes like toffee;
Under the pillow her head does go, "I won't get up,
unless you bring me a steaming cup".
"And while you're at it, you can bring me a fag
for I fear that last night, I had too much shag.
My fellow was young and eager to please
But didn't fare too well on his tender knees".
So I take her a cigarette and a nice warm drink
Then I leave her alone for a while to think.
Going back a bit later, all cheery and bold,
I find her asleep and her coffee grown cold.
Oh dear – what ever shall I do,
With my friend Pooh?
11/9/2001
13/12/2008 – Palm beach
My visa for the UK became effective a couple of days ago, but here I sit. Still in Palm Beach waiting for the sale of the house to go through so that I can pack up and fly away to my girls and their families and the beginning of a new life in the UK …...
1.2.2009
Having finally sold my house, I packed up everything and flew off to the UK to be with my daughters and their families.
28/4/2009 Spent Ashleigh's birthday with her and Youness. Sleeping on the floor in their room. Bought her some prezzies and a cake and Youness spoilt her, but she was very sad and don't think she had a good day.
I'm sorry I cant stay in the UK anymore, I need to go and live where they know me and I can hide and cry.
30/4/2009
flew back to SA in a dream-like Zombie state. It feels like my life has ended.
23/10/2009
I turned 50! Ash bought me a lovely journal to write in. And I have written in it -
“Too many dreams to fulfill for one life time and we only get one each.
I have nothing left inside me, just a broken empty shell. No more rhythms and reasons, no poetical lyrics.
Zachy loved the way I rhymed my words and he looked so impressed and special that the God who he didn't believe in, would take the time to look after him each and every day and night, just because his Gogo asked him to.
No more little sleeping beauty, Edie, calling for me at night and kissing me on the cheek in the morning to wake me up.
Just strange dreams now, of old friends and bunches of roses being given to me to ask for forgiveness? Don't know anybody who wants my forgiveness. Only time will tell the meaning of these dreams, if there is any meaning at all. But I miss Zachy and Edie, it feels like my own children have been taken away from me.
I wonder if they ask for me, or about me, here I am, am I coming back, or have I gone back to my “home” in Africa? What home? I sold my home to be with them. Then I was told that I was an evil witch, hateful and I was not welcome and I would never see my Gogolings again! They will never know how much I love them. I don't want a bunch of roses for forgiveness from anybody – I have forgiven.
Only hurt people, hurt people.
2010
A lady told me last year, and a few years before that, to go North. Instead I went South. Things didn't go well there. I tried going North, that was a disaster!
I saw her again, and again she said “go North!”. I asked her how far? North East or North West? She just said North!
So I started by moving from Palm Beach to Ramsgate, about 12 km's further north. Not far enough. Now I've moved to Margate, about 7 km further north. Where to now? Durban, France, Scotland or Alaska.
She said things would go better in the North, and the things that were supposed to come to pass, would and that more opportunities would come my way.
24/6/10
A Swami from India came into the office today and told me that I have a clean heart and that I'm a straightforward person and that my opportunities were coming soon. Didn't mention the north though. Trickery and persuasion?
Every night, weather permitting, I go outside and study the stars before bedtime. I look for the Southern Cross to make sure that I've got my bearings. I always wonder what direction my life is going to take. Perhaps North.
“Triumph over adversity;
Peace in the midst of confusion;
kindness in the face of meanness;
love that diffuses hate;
and, soft answers that turn away wrath.
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